Symbolic Life

For some reason I am really of being in this place,

being in this position.

Day by day I get more and more things .

First, I would like to say to all readers.

I had been very busy the past weekend,


being part of grand events,

spending time with my far from

and of course using every second I had to complete my projects.



Friday night was Talent Search 2009.

It was a success and I did enjoyed my throughout.

Saturday night was a Farewell Dinner for the CSS seniors.

A night filled with I can say.

Both nights, I arrived in my room almost 2AM.

Barely able to open my , I hit the straight.

Sunday morning was Talent Search 2009 postmortem.



The rest of the day I had to complete my Moral project.



At night it was Rotaract Avenue meeting.

After the meeting, wrapped for Rotaract Installation Night

till almost 12AM.

Then I got back to Differential Equations.

Though so much preparations, I still the interview.

Not because I could not answer the questions ,

but because I got myself and told the wrong concept.

After that was a quiz, managed to finish but am not fully confident.



At the end of the day,



I still need to meet my Academic Writing

lecturer for consultant on a

Had co-curriculum drama practice at .


My energy is all drained out.

I am not only ,

I am disappointed and with myself.

After the interview,

I was practically the whole day.

I wanted a so that I can

something as hard as I want.

I used to ask my brother to hold a for me to .

I hope at least he is here.

I do walls as well, of course not till my hand bleed.

I am not

and are just my ways to release .

Different people have different ways.

Some play , some sleep, some go for,
some , some play ,

some watch , some read ,



some go for and etc.

In less than a month I will be back

I have lost my interest in aiming-high and working hard.

The world is getting so that the

efforts do not seemed to worth it.



I used to be perfectionist, still a little perhaps.

But when others being ,

no one will see the efforts, no one will see the sacrifice.



I need to be out of this place.

I need to and go for class, I guess.

These are places I can channel

everything out of me and feel

Bass vs Waldorf

Suddenly I feel like I am Blair and I made him Chuck.

I made so many mistakes but he still forgives me.

Until the point where

I need to put deep thoughts on whether to apologize again,

and he need to put deep thoughts on whether to forgive again.

Proven, movie influences life.

xoxo

p/s : I am not perasan-ing, just finished GG S3E6.
In GG mood perhaps... XD

Communication, fail!

Warning : this is a very wordy post.

I finally realized why unity of different races and different cultures is so difficult be to achieved in Malaysia. One part of the country, people talk about One Malaysia, pictures and posters of different races celebrating the Independence Day together pasted everywhere and published in the net. Another part, people hang out among their own races and discriminating about the others. Standing together to take a picture is so easy compared to having conversation. Of course, I am sure that not everyone is facing the same problem among races but communication is, in fact a reason why unity cannot be achieved.

I grew up in a Chinese community, went to a private Chinese kindergarten, a government Chinese primary school and a made-up-of-mostly Chinese government secondary school. Practically I mixed around with Chinese since I got myself involved in education. The only different is my Mum is not a Chinese, so I do not speak Chinese to her and my Dad was English educated. In the end, it turns out that I speak Hokkien and English at home and communicating in Mandarin only with my teachers and friends in school. Well, a reason I flunked my Mandarin during UPSR and PMR is because I can only practice it in school. Okay, getting all A's and B for Mandarin was terrible enough for me. I used to blame that subject because it was the reason I was not able to obtain straight A's. English has always been my favourite subject, because I was taught to converse and write in English by my Mum since I was born (my Dad was always traveling when I was younger, I was mostly educated by my Mum).

Malay language was never the priority, but for some reason, I used to excel in that subject even till secondary school. I never converse in Malay and no one taught me how, the reason being in a Chinese-English community since young. It was when I started hanging out with my cousins during late primary era did I learned Melayu Sarawak and caught up with that language through listening. The same goes to Bidayuh, no one actually taught me but I learned through listening especially during Gawai and Christmas when the whole family will be back to the village. Whenever I heard my cousins talking and I am curious about certain words, I will ask and try to apply it.

Yesterday I faced two conflicts which I guess are among the reasons unity is so difficult to be achieved in Malaysia. I have friends of different races, I do not hang out in cliques. So yesterday I was walking back to our hostel with one of my Malay course mate. Since I came to university, specifically in West Malaysia, I tried to learn the West Malaysians Malay language, and it was the first time I learnt to talk more Malay. In Uni is also the first place I talked Melayu Sarawak openly with my Sarawakians and I was shocked myself that I mastered it so fast because I had never spoken the language except really broken ones with my cousins. So this friend of mine was wishing me Happy Belated Birthday and ask whether she should give me a treat. At that moment, I had something in mind but I had very difficult time saying it in Malay language. Hopefully she understood that I was trying very hard to speak Malay, knowing that I am a Chinese.

Later on at night after a meeting, there was this friend asking me for a treat when he saw me bought Cadbury Bytes from the Minimart. He spoke the West Malaysian Malay so fast that I could not catch what he said. He repeated three times until he gave up and another friend explained in a simpler Malay language. Yesterday itself, I realized there are still communication boundaries and limitations in Malaysia, making it quite impossible to achieve the One Malaysia vision. As we all know, communication is very important to achieve tolerance and harmony. The problem is not everyone can master all three main languages, even though I was born fortunate enough to be surrounded by all three languages, I believe not all are born the same. Like my Mum who do not understand Chinese language and my Dad who only understand a slight of Malay language, my friends who are fully Chinese educated, fully English educated or are fully Malay educated.

Language barrier is purely one of the reason to the formation of cliques in the society. We feel more comfortable talking to someone who can fully understand us and those who can react to what we say. Currently I admit being more comfortable with those who speak English, Hokkien, Mandarin and Melayu Sarawak, mainly because I master those languages better than the others. But I feel lucky now that I am catching up with the Sabahan language, Indonesian and trying my best to improve my Bidayuh and Malay language.

So for some reason I feel that one has to move around and try to master different languages, especially in Malaysia where it is made up of multiple races and cultures. Not only to minimize the limitations in communication but also to understand it when people gossip about you in some other languages (that they thought you do not understand). I experienced that since I was young, lucky me. Some people do not know that I am Chinese, especially when I hang out or go shopping with my Mum. There was this one time my Mum tried on this blouse in a boutique, there were these bitchy salesgirls talking how bad she looked in the blouse. Of course my Mum did not understand, but I did. When we left, I purposely talked Chinese with my brother who was also there (usually we speak English or Hokkien only) and I gave the bitches a heart-piercing stare. Yea, they looked shocked and quickly walked away. But I never told my Mum what they said, hopefully she will not read this post. XD

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Look at how much Language can cause
confusions and misunderstandings.

source : engrishfunny.com

Heppi Birthday Acing!

Happy 5th Birthday to my lil cousin,
Adreanna Ratan
aka Aching!!

In the picture above,
she was wearing a wig,
and yes, she's a poser and cam whorer.
...if there is such word XD


Other pictures I have of her...

She is loved by all family members.
Practically because she is so much younger
than her elder sister but still act more maturely.


She is the type who is not afraid of strangers and at times,
talk like an adult.



She and my nephew (cousin's son)


She and her sister having fun with the wigs.
Both are make up freaks and beauty freaks. XD


Look at that innocent face. lol
She wore earrings and lipstick. Haha



Dearly missing her.
Can't wait to get back to my village,
hug her and hear her talk non stop again.
Though I may get pissed and fed up sometimes. XD

May God bless her ;
a year older,
a year wiser,
and a year cuter. :D

Tweeettt!

My latest twitter posts :

• "Just gt back from Tanjung Malim, 3days 2 nights Penang Coordinating Council meeting.Celebrated my Birthday in church. New experience."

Last Friday noon, 6 of us set off to Tanjung Malim for the Penang Coordinating Council (PCC) meeting/ Annual General Meeting (AGM) which took place at a very new church. The meeting involved different Uni from the Penang Council and it was a whole great and new experience. to me It was a 3 days 2 nights meeting and the second day was my birthday. I woke up and I sort of had this voice in me saying, "Oh, I'm gonna celebrating the whole day of my birthday in Church. Cool." I was happy spending it with my loved ones and people who cared for me.

• "Will be deleting some unknown people I accidentally accepted on Facebook. Yea, I only accept and add people I know as my friends."

I had decided to delete those who I know through mutual friends on Facebook. I understand that accepting them maybe the only way to make new friends online but I do not hink it will work if we are not connected through very very close mutual friends. Though we may have 10 to 20 mutual friends, it does not mean that I ever see that person in real life or ever converse with him or her. So I guess there is no point having thousands of friends when most of them are only connected through mutual friends or are added randomly. Will solve it after my nap. Tata... (*Suddenly feel that my English language level is depleting since I tried conversing in Sabahan & Indonesian cause I use less English now* ??? Was that even a proper explanation in English??)

me, same, you

When you ignored me,

don't forget I can do the same.

Thank you.

Watch the Butterfly

Just a little update from me during this buzzz week.

First of all, it's Talent Search 2009!

Back this season different from last year.

Don't forget to grab you tickets,

only RM5 (UTPians) & RM10 (outsiders)!

You can drop me a comment if you want them.

The event will be held on 23rd October 2009,

8PM at UTP Chancellor Hall.

This is the chance to meet The Times and Juwita Suwito.

For more info or to listen to their songs, please visit their websites :

The Times (click here)

Current track on repeat mode "Wilayah Strawberi Selamanya"

Juwita Suwito (click here)

Current track on repeat mode "All This Time"

For more info or inquiries regarding Talent Search 2009,

please visit our official website :

UTP Talent Search (click here)


* * * * * * * * * * * ** *

Besides that, thanks to all my dear girls for

celebrating Sook Harn's and my birthday.

Though it is a week earlier for mine,

but you all did surprised us.

They gave me make ups for my present.

Thankie dears!

I was asked to test it.

So here is the picture.

Notice the gold colour shadows.

It's drawn using Maybelline smooth pencil eyeshadow in gold.

Blend with black, white and silver eyeshadow.

Eyeliner used, both white and black.

Don't ask me why I look different in web cam pictures.

Maybe it's the makeups or lighting.

This picture is not edited using Photoshop at all.

I just used photo gallery to make it brighter. LOL

That's all for now...

Tata!!

Watch the Butterfly.

Spot one in this post? :D

Flying without wings

Just finished my last test for the week. Feeling really tired but alas, relieved. This weekend, Talent Search 2009 Auditions. I have to be on duty both days. And also the completion of Moral Project and Academic Writing research paper.

Many things happened recently, I just feel like giving all the girls a big hug. I do not know how to show that I care for both sides, that both sides have their rights and wrongs. I often feel sad when things are not like before. It has only been a year, we had so much yet so little. There are still something missing. Some forgive and forget, some unforgiving and keep grunges. Some need a long time to figure whether things can go right.

Nevertheless, I am not siding anyone and I just wish for the best for both parties. I also wish that if any of you have anything to say to me, just tell me directly. Being hypocrite and well, gossiping is I believed, a girls nature but should be done in minimum level. Still, I wish my dears all the best and may time heal the wounds even if it may take ages, at least give the other a chance or two, or maybe more.

"If you want people to like you, forgive them when they wrong you.
Remembering wrongs can break a friendship."
(Proverbs 17:9)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We may not be the saint to forgive a million times when others sinned a thousand times, but he once told me when we quarreled, words which hurt me so much at that moment that it practically change our relationship's situation.

I was the demanding, fussy and easily-pissed-off girlfriend before this, I am still but less. XD There was this one day he got really fed up of me and totally ignored me.

In a message he wrote :
"I've always believe in 2nd chance or maybe 3rd. But when it comes to 7th, 8th or more, people begin to wonder. Maybe we should try other paths. Maybe things will be much better on that road. I need to be away from you to think. So I'm asking you to do so. Love, Jeremy."

After that, I was hurt so much but I decided to do what he told me. I left him alone, no calls, no text messages, no emails, no meet ups.

Until the day that he sent me a message :
"Sorry baby cause I caused you lots of trouble. I was really furious but I soon realized I miss your daily smses. Guess we're tied together."

It was until that moment, he missed me being demanding, he missed the always-pissed-off me, he missed me being fussy. It was time which change things. Just like how trends and fashions changed from time to time.

Here, I just want all my readers to know that it was "time" which caused the pain and sufferings, but it will also take "time" to heal all those.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Taken from last part of "Flying Without Wings" by Westlife,
"And you're the place my life begins, and you'll be where it ends"

Define Love & Happiness

There are so many things I wanted to

blog about for the past few days.

But the internet connection is my uni was really bad.

I finally am able to load Blogspot fully today.

Besides, so many things are happening lately.

I have so many things to handle.

Assignments, tests, lectures, events and etc.

Here, I will just give some updates.

I need to get back to my studies.

I will end my post with a question.

Which had made me think for a while,

and I am still thinking for an answer.

Is sacrifice, love and happiness?

Home!!!

I was in my room alone last night.
Still, I was not able to sleep well.
Like the previous nights,
I sat on my bed with my blanket covered till my head.
I tried not to cough so loud.
When I can no longer stand and almost lost my breath,
I grabbed the bottle of water beside me.
I drank a few gulps, just to ease my throat.
I can't feeling uneasy, the itch in my throat is really bothering me.
I woke up, switched on the lights and walked towards my study table.
Well, not practically study table.
It's the only table in my room so it's practically dining table as well.
I searched for the Gamat balm I brought all the way from Kuching.
Found it.
All of a sudden, I miss those moments.
I miss my family, my home.
I get sick very easily, I have low body immune system.
Back home whenever I get cough,
my dad will rub the balm on my throat every night.
My mum will boil all kinds of herbal drinks until I get better.
Now I have to do everything on my own.
I rub the balm myself,
but I don't even have the time to boil herbal drinks.
It hit me as well.
When I was studying, I always get food prepared for me.
My mum will prepare food and drinks,
all I care was to concentrate on my studies.
Here, survival comes first.
Food and money almost surpass studies.
Of course, you shall need to find food first to be able to stay alive.
Right now, I just want to finish whatever I am doing right here,
and get back home as soon as possible.
I knew I can't stay at home forever,
but now I am feeling a little more exhausted than usual.
I hate being independent. So what?
I am not sure whether to consider myself lucky
to be able to further my studies at young age.
Some friends back home do envy us who get to be far from home.
Those still staying with their parents are still given curfew,
being nagged everyday to study and given all kinds of restrictions.
But I miss those moments.
Those still experiencing it better appreciate it.