Confession of a crying baby

I never liked staying at home too long. It makes me feel bored and restless. I was the more outgoing child compared to my cousins. Well, I am comparing myself to my cousins because I am the only girl in the family. It won't make any sense comparing myself to my brothers. They go for camps whole week, whole month. Take break dancing, join foot drill competitions, work out and bla bla bla. I did took dance lessons and joined foot drill competition. But still, nothing in me can compare to their activeness of Dota-ing even after 1 whole week of torturous camp. Me, I used to sleep almost 24 hours after just 1 weekend of sleepless nights at camps. When I entered Uni, I never felt homesick. I don't go back during Chinese New Year or Mid Semester break. I was fine staying in my room 1 whole week watching movies. I used to wonder why are the guys so sissy, they kept being homesick and fly back to Kuching whenever they got the chance to. I was tough, but not for long. I had mental break down quite a few times this semester. Last semester I was in dilemma due to the ex-other half. But that was settled off fast. This semester many things happened. Courses got tougher than I imagined. I worked real hard but sometimes it doesn't seemed to paid off. I set goals for myself but I hardly reached them. Towards the end of the semester, things got worst. I had my braces on, annoying cases to be settled and final exams still hanging in mid air.

Nights after nights I was not being able to sleep well. It has been around 3 nights, I slept around 5AM and woke up around 10AM. Last night I thought I was about to go insane, closing my ears with my hands and prayed to God real hard. Still, I felt as if my head was going to explode. I could feel the blood rushing through the veins. I kept praying and praying and praying until I fell asleep. For 2 consequent exams, I was unable to recall anything I had studied. I felt stupid and useless this semester. I felt like I had gain no knowledge for the past 5 months. The knowledge in my brain are still stucked like last semester. I was awfully down, cried a few times. My friends were there for me, my dear was there for me, though I kept thinking that God did not answered my prayers, I knew He is also always there for me. For some reasons, knowing people cared for me but I was about to disappoint them makes me cry even more. I became confused of what's my aim in life and why are so many things bothering me at the same time. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking unintentionally till there was this thought whether I will become mentally sick or retarded one day.

My Mum short messaged me this evening, I was so touch that I practically almost cried in from of my roomy. Few days back, I told my Dad that I can't understand Chemistry and that the courses this semester are quite tough. Guess after the case of what happened to me during SPM (I blogged about it during my last semester's exam week - click here to read), I will forever be sick during exams. Dear said I am not suitable to for exam system, perhaps I am the more practical kinda person. I don't like memorizing, doing lengthy reports and sitting hours in the exam hall just for the marks. I bet many people hate exams, but they hate field work too. I love field work, minus the field reports. Here's how my Mum's message sounded like and read on to see why I cried after reading it. "How's your exam? Guess it's very tough. Studying is not easy but there is not short cut to comfortable life. Since you have the chance now, just go ahead till you sucess. Bye and lots of love from us at home." The chance she mentioned was me getting a scholarship and entering Uni because she never get the chance when she was younger. I knew she didn't want her children to end up like her, that's why she is always strict on me and my siblings educations. She studied in a rural area and her family was poor. But I am proud enough that she turned out to be a great teacher. I know I will not do well for my exams, I know nobody is forcing me to do well. They want me to just do as much as I can, all of them. But I had always aimed more than my ability, perhaps they were my mistakes. For once, I miss home - so much.

Nang it!