Saturday, March 7, 2009

If I Ever Remember ~

If anything that can keep me longer, that would be you...
The only thing I'm scared of is not to be beside you...

I watched "A Walk to Remember" for the fourth time,
and cried for the fourth time.
Not sure whether it was the movie, or it was me...
I know I can't be stingy.
I can't take his time despite I can't live any longer.
I can't let him waste his time on me.
I thought whether I should had gave us the chance...
I choose to stay with him.
Still, wondering whether I made the right choice.
When we started, I felt worst.
I knew I should had left, like what she did at first.
I should had told him not to fall in love with me.
But just like in the movie, it is something we have no control on.
Now at times, I regret and tried to avoid him.
I thought whether it is right for him to suffer with me.
If I tell him I can't live long enough, will he understand?
Will he still loves me if I'm sick, like how he did?
Sometimes I felt like letting go,
but watching the movie for the third time,
perhaps it is not possible to run away from true love.
Even death will not set us apart...
Should I tell him...
Or should I just go away and stop destroying his perfect life...?
Either way, will he still loves me and want me back...?

At times, I just needed extra attention.
Knowing that I may lost him anytime of my life.
That I won't be able to spend much more time with him.
At the same time, I knew I can't be stingy.
I can't expect him to be beside me all the time.
I had been troubling him a lot...
Hide my true self from him, made use of the yes-no rule...
I knew I'm wrong, I knew he found out at times.
Perhaps annoyed or confused.
But it seemed like the only way for me to hide everything...
I need to be strong for him, hold my tears and secure my heart.
Deep in my heart, I knew I wanted him there with me.
But I'll always walk away like I'm fine,
then turned back to look at him slowly walking away from me.
I swear I was afraid to fall in love, I don't want to.
But I was scared because I love him too...
All these things are freaking me out.
During these moments, I would watch the movie over and over again...
Hoping I won't end up like her,
hoping I don't make him waste his time being with me,
hoping he don't love me too much...
But if he does, just like him, I am sorry...
God wants all His children to be happy,
and he made me smile every time I'm with him.
If it's fate..Lord, please guide us......


she/her : Jamie Sullivan
(actress ~ Mandy Moore)

he/him : Landon Carter
(actor ~ Shane West)

He is the guy who first told me love is patient and kind...
(in my post "love is patient & kind")
That was also the moment I was scared to fall in love...
Here, I would like to share the verse from Corinthians 13:4 again...

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,

its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

*I have a wish to marry him at the church we first met...
*If only I have enough time...

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